To Be Loved
by lilysspace
Summary: Bella Swan lacked what she wanted most and felt she could not go on. Though unsuccessful, it's those around her that have deal with her mistake. AU, Bella is most definitely OOC M only b/c of subject matter


**Just a little warning before you start reading, this story is dealing with pretty intense subject matter. Please note that though there are not gruesome details, the topic of intentional drug overdose plays a major role in this fic. If this does bother in any way, then I suggest you move on to a different fic as I would hate to make you uncomfortable.**

**To those who choose to do so, you are welcome to read on...**

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Edward raced down the sterilized hallways, powering through who ever found themselves in his path. His mind was focused on one thing and one thing only, and no one short of his father or Chief Swan was going to get in his way.

_Be okay. Please be okay._

Edward continued his mental mantra as he made his way to the room number that his father had called him with earlier.

There in the hallway Charlie, Carlisle and Dr. Gables were congregated outside of the private room. Edward did not stop his manic pace until he stood in front of them.

"Is she okay?" Edward demanded from his father, knowing that they would deny him nothing.

"Edward, maybe you should sit down for a moment," Dr. Gables suggested after seeing the frantic look on Edward's face.

"Sit down? I'm fine. Screw sitting down, I just need to know that she's okay. Please, please tell me that she's okay." He begged, his voice rife with emotion.

Carlisle looked at Charlie for permission, who in turn nodded his head fervently. "Bella's stable. We had a scare when she first got in, but it's alright now. A few days and she'll be fine."

"Oh thank god," Edward sighed as some of the tension left his shoulders. "Can I go in?"

"In a minute son, you need to take a moment calm down a bit."

Though he thought his emotions were completely appropriate given the circumstances, Edward didn't want to argue for fear of being banned from seeing her. "Wh-What happened? Do we know what happened?"

"I think Charlie should be the one to tell you that. He was the one that found her."

Edward turned his attention to the town's beloved police chief who, as a result of this night, looked to have aged ten years.

Charlie ran his hands over his face before beginning, "I came home early today, I wanted to take her out for one of our dinners. I've just been so busy at the station, that we hadn't had one in a few weeks. It was supposed to be a surprise.

"Her truck was in the driveway, so when I walked into the kitchen and she wasn't at the table doing her work I went upstairs to look for her. I wanted to tell her to get dressed so we could drive out to Port Angeles.

"When I got to her room, she was laying on the bed, I thought that maybe she was taking a nap. She's been up really late working on that early admission application of Dartmouth. Anyway, I tried calling her name to wake her up, but when that didn't work I shook her.

"When I touched her, I knew something was wrong. Her skin was cold and clammy and she wasn't waking up. Then I saw the bottle on her nightstand and I knew what it was immediately. It was the bottle of oxycontin that my doctor gave me when I was shot a few years back. I picked it up and it was empty, up until that point that bottle hadn't been opened. So I did the only thing I could do, I wrapped her up in a blanket and raced her here."

The Chief looked visibly shaken and did not resemble the intimidating man that was capable of keeping the town safe. Instead he looked like a parent that found their child in one of the worst ways possible.

Dr. Gables placed his hand on the Chief's shoulder for support. "Charlie maybe you should go inside and sit. I'll be back in few hours to check on her and the nurses will monitor her vitals every hour."

Charlie merely nodded his head and passed into the room.

"Are you alright Edward?" Carlisle asked, worried about the expression on his son's face.

"Yeah," he responded, still in shock over what Charlie had told him. "What happened when he got her here?"

"We took her into one of the ORs, but when she got on the table she stopped breathing. We were able to insert a breathing tube before she went too long without oxygen. We pumped her stomach and gave her a few meds to counteract all those pills."

"Oxycontin? What was she thinking?" Edward whispered. In all the years he had known Bella, she had never done something this wreckless.

"I don't know son, that's something we'll have to ask her when she wakes up. If she's willing to tell us."

"But she will wake up right? She will?" Desperation was seeping in every facet of Edward's voice.

Carlisle nodded, "Eventually, her system is still in shock so it may be a few days."

"A few days. Okay, I can handle a few days," Edward spoke to himself.

"I have to call your mother, Alice and Emmett. They need to know what's going on. Go on in when you feel ready." Just as Carlisle moved to step away, Edward grabbed his forearm.

"Dad...thank you," Edward's voice shook. Carlisle simply nodded and drew his youngest son into a tight hug, before walking down the hallway to his office.

Edward stood there alone for a few moments, his head pressed against the door and his hand resting on the handle. He was trying to prepare himself for what he was about to see. He knew that there was an incredibly sick girl on the opposite side of that door.

After taking a deep breath, Edward finally opened the door and walked in. What he was was worse than anything he had imagined.

There on the bed was Bella, lying motionless on the stiff mattress with nothing but a thin cotton blanket for warmth. The pale blue gown they had put her in did nothing for her complexion, which was pale by nature, but was now sallow and slightly gray. An oxygen line ran horizontally across her face, under her nose.

_At least she's breathing on her own_. Edward thought. _Now if she would just wake up._

Charlie was in a sofa that was shifted to the right side of the bed, holding her hand as if to anchor her to himself.

Edward moved to the opposite side and pushed a plush chair as close as he could to the hospital bed. Careful not to disturb the I.V., he lifted Bella's left hand and cradled it in his own, mimicking Charlie's position.

~*~*~*~*~

A few hours later the room was filled with familiar faces. Carlisle had had a cot moved in and Charlie was now lying in it, trying to get some rest. Esme had taken his perch next to the bed, with Carlisle beside her. Alice sat at the foot of the bed with Jasper's arm wrapped around her in support. Emmett was on the corner with Rosalie in his lap, hanging onto her for dear life. Edward had not moved from his station. He refused to leave her side until she was awake and he knew she would be okay.

About 5 hours into their vigil, Deputy Mark walked in with a serious expression on his face. He looked around and spotted Charlie sleeping restlessly on the cot. "I need to speak to Charlie. It's important, I wouldn't wake him if it wasn't."

"Certainly," Carlisle nodded sharply, before rising to wake the Chief. "Charlie, you need to get up. Mark is here to talk to you."

At the name of his deputy, Charlie bolted straight up and walked briskly to the man hovering at the door. "What is it?"

The Deputy gripped onto a white envelope and looked almost reluctant to speak. "We went by your house, like you asked. We found something that we think you need to see. It's just a copy, the original and its envelope are at the station, in case you decide to..."

Charlie accepted the envelope and moved to open it when Mark stopped him with his hand.

"Chief, you need to sit down when you read that. Trust me...I'll be right outside the door when you're done."

Charlie looked worried as he acknowledged the man and walked back to his foldaway. After sitting down, he hastily opened the envelope, to retrieve the note inside. As he began to read, several emotions flashed across his face. First apprehension as he took in the first few words, but it was quickly followed by anger, confusion and finally sorrow, as he read the closing.

"Mark," he snapped, his voice authoritative and clear. The Deputy walked in immediately. "We're going to the station. I want these girls to be there when we arrive. Their parents too, if they're still minors."

"Yes, sir," Mark responded, "I'll make the calls and pull the car up to the entrance. I'll meet you outside." He walked out of the room, already dialing on his phone.

"Charlie what is that?" Esme's quiet voice asked.

The Chief's shoulders slumped as he returned to the part of worried father. "It's a letter, from Bella. About...about this."

"Can we read it?" Edward practically begged. "Please Charlie I need to know. I need to know why."

Charlie looked at the boy knowingly, then he turned his attention to the rest of the room. "You have the right to know, you all do. But I'll give it to Carlisle and Esme to decide if you can read what she wrote. If they say no, they can just tell you about it." He handed it to the couple. "You can decide if they can handle reading exactly what she wrote. But make sure they at least know what's going on. I'll be at the station working through this." As Carlisle nodded his head, Charlie squared his shoulders and made is way out of the room.

The door clicked shut and the eyes of five teenagers fell on Carlisle and Esme. "Let's read this. The sooner we do, the sooner we can all know what's happening," Esme spoke as she saw the hesitation in Carlisle's eyes.

Slowly, the paper was unfolded and the same range of emotions flashed on their faces, with the exception of the determination. The couple looked at each other, conferring silently before Carlisle once again nodded and Esme's face crumpled in sorrow.

"You kids need to read this, exactly how it is. You'll understand why she did this and maybe we can work on fixing it."

Edward rose slightly, silently asking to read the message first through his actions.

Esme shook her head. "Edward dear, I think you need to read this last. There is no doubt in my mind how upset it will make you."

Edward was crushed, but after hearing his mother's words, he knew it was for the best.

Carlisle handed the page to Alice, who was still wrapped in Jasper's arms.

"Em, Rose," Alice's bell-like voice called out softly. "I don't think I can read this alone." Not a moment later, Rosalie and Emmett rose from their chair to look over her shoulder. Jasper's arms tightened automatically as she moved to unfold the paper.

They read silently, tears welling up in both Alice and Rosalie's eyes. Emmett nearly faltered and Rose had to wrap her arm around his waist for support. After reading what Bella had written, Jasper pulled Alice in even closer and moved to take his sister's free hand.

Alice looked heartbroken.

Rosalie, angry.

Jasper, somber

Emmet, despaired.

"Those evil conniving harpies!" Rosalie finally snapped. All eyes moved to her face, which was twisted in rage. "I can't believe they did that!"

"Who? What does it say? Alice give it to me!" Edward demanded, no longer wanting to prolong the wait.

Alice passed the paper to her brother. "Edward it's _bad_. But you have to promise to stay here. Bella needs you more than you need to release your emotions."

With that, Alice rose off the bed and moved toward her parents. Everyone was then drawn into a hug and they huddled together, waiting for Edward's reaction.

Edward took in their actions with dread, knowing that having the knowledge of what happened was going to be bittersweet. On one hand, he would know what Bella was thinking. On the other, he would have proof that Bella was broken. Once again, he took a deep breath to steady himself and opened the page, one hand still clasping Bella's.

His heart broke as he took in the words that were written in Bella's hand.

_Dear Dad,_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you need to find me this way. No parent should ever have to go through the pain that I know you may be going through. It hurts to know that I'm doing that to you, even when I'm gone. I promise though, that this will be the last time I hurt you in any way._

_I know the kind of man that you are. If I don't explain myself now, I know that you will continue to search for the answers, ones that I'm not sure you will find. So here they are, spelled out in front of you. It's the least I could do given the tortured you must now be going through._

_It was the end of the day and I had just watched Edward's Volvo and Rosalie's BMW drive away. I was at my truck door when Lauren, Jessica and Tanya cornered me. They were too close for me to open my door, so I braced myself for the oncoming verbal abuse. Just so you know, it's been happening for a while, but only ever when the Cullens and Hales leave before me. I just never wanted you to worry. But you deserved the truth, especially now..._

_Ten minutes, ten minutes I stood there and took their hateful words. The things they said were awful and hurtful, but true nonetheless. By now I was used to hearing these things, having all my self-deprecating thoughts being confirmed by outsiders, and up until the end I was able to block them out. That was, until Tanya delivered the final blow._

_She gave voice to the one thought in my mind that could destroy me. That I couldn't be loved, not by those who weren't obligated to do so already. _

_Now Dad, I know you love me, I have never in my life doubted that. So please don't blame yourself. I love you too Dad, I know we never said it much but I do and I always will. But the love you have for me is that of a parent for their child. One that is an unspoken, yet no doubt unconditional, obligation._

_I wanted to be loved, Dad, outside of this parental obligation. Edward, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie don't count. They're my friends and I know they love me, but that wasn't the kind of love I craved. _

_I wanted to know that I'm worthy of someone else's love. I wanted to disprove all my negative thoughts by being able to be loved by someone else. I wanted what Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper and Esme and Carlisle have. You had it too, with Renee, all those photos of you two before she died showed it clearly._

_I wanted someone to look at me the way Jazz and Em look at Alice and Rose. I wanted that look of complete and utter adoration. I wanted someone to look at me like I was the center of the universe, like my presence gave them their very existence._

_But I know now that those were hopeless dreams. Silly wishes I used to pass the time. Tanya may have said it, but I always knew it was true. I'm not special enough to be loved that way, not worthy of such a strong emotion. _

_So this is why I did it. I couldn't imagine going on in life knowing that there wasn't someone out there for me. There isn't and I've finally come to terms with that..._

_But please understand, this isn't your fault. This isn't something that you could have prevented. There wasn't anything that you could have done to change the outcome. It will be better this way._

_You were the most amazing father and I wouldn't change you for the world. Please, please know that I love you._

_Always,_

_Bella_

Edward let out a shaky breath as he folded the note and place the letter on a nearby table. His eyes were red and his shirt soaked with his tears.

His parents, siblings and friends watched him, worried about what he might do or say.

Edward quietly rose, faltering slightly, before firmly gripping Bella's still hand. He leaned over and touched the hair that was tucked behind her ear as he placed a kiss on her cool cheek.

"You stupid, stupid girl," his voice broke as he whispered. "When you wake up, I _will _show you how much you are loved. I will not stop until you realize it. I promise."

The others watched on, silently giving themselves over to their tears.

~*~*~*~

Eight weeks.

It had been eight weeks since the Cullens and Hales found themselves in a private hospital room, waiting for one girl to wake up.

Now those same people were sitting in the Cullen living room, waiting for that same girl to walk through the front door.

Edward was anxious and excited about seeing her again. But he was mostly nervous about what he was about to do. He had already waited too long to say his piece and he didn't want to wait much longer.

Bella had woken 36 hours after she was first admitted to the hospital. When she regained consciousness, defeat was evident on her face. To her, this was just another thing that she failed at. No matter what anyone did or said, she wouldn't speak. She acknowledged no one as she lay silently staring at the ceiling.

Bella could tell that what she had done was hurting them. She couldn't bear the thought so she continued on in her silence, secretly wishing them gone in order to be saved from having to see the pain that her actions had etched on their faces.

She was only supposed to be there for a few days, standard protocol for a patient placed on suicide watch. Those few days turned into two full weeks with psychologists, therapists and counselors moving in and out of her room, trying to assess her mental state. They had deemed her a danger to herself and wouldn't approve of her discharge until she could prove that this wasn't the case.

On the fourteenth day, Carlisle and Esme approached Charlie with a proposal, one that the couple hoped would bring back the old Bella safely. Charlie saw no other options and prayed that accepting this idea was the right decision.

_8 Weeks Prior~~~_

_Charlie walked into the now familiar room, followed closely by Esme and Carlisle. He looked around to see everyone in their usual places: Emmett and Rosalie in the corner, Alice and Jasper on the foot of the bed and Edward in the plush chair to Bella's left. _

_Because of Carlisle's position as Chief of Medicine, they weren't confined to visiting hours and had taken to spending their days together in the sterile room. They teenagers had left no more than two at any given time, taking turns going home to shower or picking up food for the rest. The school had agreed to exempt the teens from the rest of the school year, as there were only a few days left._

_Charlie squared his shoulders and walked to Bella's right side. He took in the blank features of his daughter as she lay emotionless on the bed, following him with her eyes._

_He firmly took hold of her hand and took a deep breath before he began, "Bella, I've had enough of this. Clearly waiting for you to come around on your own time isn't working. _

"_We know something's wrong, we just want you to get better. But you can't do that here, we don't have the means to help you properly. That's why I've decided to enter you into a six week inpatient program in California." A flash of emotion briefly appeared in Bella's eyes. "Carlisle and Esme found it and I think that this is for the best. You and I are leaving tomorrow, I'll be staying in a hotel nearby for the first two weeks, then Esme will be there for three, before I come back for the last week to take you home." _

_Charlie moved to sit on the bed and enclosed Bella's hand between his own. "Sweetheart, there's something going on with you. We were too blind see it before, but af-after what you did we started to think back over the past few years. There was a change in you Bella, you're not my carefree little girl anymore. You've been sad for such a long time, the signs were subtle but they were there, I just wish it didn't take something like this for us to notice._

"_Baby you're hurting inside, that much is clear. Knowing that you are in pain is hurting us too. We just need you to get better, please take this chance to get better." Charlie's eyes were filled with tears after his declaration and he did nothing to hide them._

_Bella glanced around, taking in the sorrow on everyone's faces as well as the slight hope they had for her taking this opportunity. She knew what had to be done, she had to go through with this, if simply to prevent her from ever again inflicting that kind of hurt and sorrow on the ones she held so dear._

_Bella then turned her head to her father and gave him the slightest of nods._

Now the Edward was waiting for her return. He was determined, he had already made the mistake of assuming that Bella knew what he felt for her. He wasn't about to repeat that mistake.

Then the doorbell rang.

The Cullen teens and the Hale twins bolted to the foyer, led by the equally eager Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle threw the door open to reveal those on the other side.

There stood Charlie and Bella, two missing pieces of their otherwise complete family. Charlie had his hand on his daughter's shoulder with a look of pride and a smile plastered on his face. One look at him and the Cullens and Hales knew everything was going to be alright.

But Edward wasn't looking at Charlie, instead his gaze was fixed on the small brunette that had consumed his dreams for years. She had a small nervous smile on her face and her eyes lit up as she saw everyone waiting for her behind the door.

Edward took in her appearance, noting the subtle differences that were not present when she first left. Her hair was slightly lighter, making the red in it more visible, and her skin was tinted with the lightest of colors, both likely a result of the California sun. She stood a little straighter, as if she was more confident in herself. Despite the sheer enormity of those differences, they weren't the what caused the smile that was on Edward's face.

It was her eyes. The most prominent change in Bella was the way her eyes sparkled and shined. The happiness that was present in them was something that Edward hadn't seen in what felt like forever.

Esme drew Bellla over the threshold and into a tight hug before passing her to Carlisle and pulling Charlie into the house. Carlisle took Bella into his own arms, comforted by the fact that his surrogate daughter was home and well. The small girl was then passed from person to person and gathered into hugs as they whispered their greetings to her. Emmett, being Emmett, lifter her off of her feet and twirled her around before setting her down by his brother. "Oh Bella Bear, we missed you."

Bella's face lit up and a giggle escaped her lips. The noise brought a smile to everyone's face because they knew that their Bella was going to be okay.

Then Edward took his turn to pull Bella into his arms. He squeezed her tightly and held on a fraction longer than the others had before pulling back. "Welcome home, silly girl."

Bella, in turn, hugged him before responding, "I'm happy to be home."

The afternoon passed quickly in a jumbled mess of food, pool and video games. Those present were simply happy that they were all united once more. Edward didn't get his moment to speak to Bella until just before they left.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a minute? I mean, before you go home?" He asked, slightly unsure of himself. She nodded and he led her to the front porch and onto the bench swing.

They took a moment to get comfortable on the cushioned swing, Edward pushing off with his feet slightly to start the rocking motion.

After having 8 weeks to plan out what to say, Edward sat their dumbfounded, unsure as to how to reveal his feelings. After their silences stretched a moment too long, he finally turned to Bella and gathered her small hands between his own. One look at her now small, yet beautiful, smile on her face was all the encouragement he needed.

"Bella, I love you. I'm sorry that it took something like this to happen for me to say it, but I love you."

Bella sat stone still for a moment, a mixture of confusion and a small glimmer of hope passed through her eyes. Her eyes furrowed slightly before a look of realization laced with a hint of sadness dimmed her newly regained spark.

"Oh, Edward," she began quietly. "You don't have to do this. I know you read the letter I wrote, the one about why I did this. But please don't worry, I'm not that girl anymore. I know I was wrong and I've dealt with my problems head on. You don't need to try and fix me anymore. I promise, it won't happen again."

Edward's expression was a mixture of shock and anger. "No Bella, that's not what this is about. I'm not trying to 'fix you.' I wouldn't lie to you like that."

Bella sighed and shook her head, "I understand you feel guilty, but really-"

Edward placed his hand over her lips to silence her. His thoughts were desperate for a way to prove that what he was saying was true. Then in an instant he knew what to do. "Don't move. I'll be right back, I'll only be a minute."

Bella watched as the bronze haired boy jumped off of the porch swing and ran back inside. His sudden outburst confused her, but she was more focused on how much she wished what he had said was true. After her inpatient treatment, her psychiatrists helped her to realized that it wasn't just love that she craved, but Edward's love.

Edward raced to his room pulling a small album off of his shelf before running back to the porch, ignoring his mother's protests along the way. Once outside he sat back down and shoved his treasure into Bella's hand.

He saw the questioning look she gave him and spoke, "That letter said you wanted someone to look at you the Jazz and Em look at Alice and Rosalie, but you thought you weren't worthy of that. Bella, that couldn't be further from the truth." He reached over and pulled the cover of the album open.

Bella watched as Edward quickly flipped through the first half of the photo album, noticing that every picture was of just the two of them. When his hands stilled, she was finally able to fully examine one the pictures inside. What she saw shocked her...

The book was open to a photo of herself and Edward at First Beach when they were fourteen. She was sitting with her legs pulled against her chest and her head on her knees. She was staring out at what had to have been the ocean. But her figure wasn't the important one in the photo. Sitting next to her, with his legs straight out in front of him was Edward. His body was turned slightly toward hers and his gaze was fixed on her face. The expression on his face was what made Bella's heart stop.

Bella ran her finger over Edward's face in the photo, shocked at what she was seeing.

Edward resumed his turning of the pages as he spoke, "Don't you see? I've been looking at you that way for _years_. I was just too stupid and cowardly to do anything about it. Please believe me when I say that the love I feel for you is far from that between friends. Bella, you are everything to me."

Bella turned her attention from the collection of pictures to the boy sitting next to her. She saw the sincerity in his eyes, but more importantly she saw _that_ look. "You really love me like that?" She whispered in disbelief.

Edward gently took her face in his hands and pulled her forward until their foreheads were connected. "I truly do Bella and I won't rest until I've erased every shred of doubt from your mind. I love you."

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**Disclaimer:** If you think I own anything remotely related to Twilight, I feel that I should inform you that my name is _**NOT**_ Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N:** Okay so this is super different from any of the other stuff I've written. I hope I didn't offend anyone with the subject matter, I'm sorry if I did. I do ask that if you have an issue with it, that you please PM me rather than express you thoughts via the reviews. I will not hesitate to address your concerns.

Anyway, I'm using this as an exercise to see if I can write anything remotely 'angsty' (I think that's the word for it). I have been toying with the idea of a multi-chapter Twilight fic that is centered around a world of angst. In truth, I have most of it planned out, but I needed to write this O/S to see if this type of story works with my writing style. If you can, please let me know what you think.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read this and leave me a review if you so can.


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